QUEENS PARK – After delaying for as long as possible, Doug Ford and Stephen Lecce have finally revealed their back to school safety plan, which is for kids to pick the sicker kids last during physical education classes.
“Our plan is as comprehensive as it is wise,” explained Ford to reporters, telling the truth for once by accident. “Remember those gnarly kids y’ad bully because they weren’t as wealthy as you? Well it’s like that but now we’re askin’ to do that to kids who seem sick, thereby keeping them appropriately distanced.”
Education Minister Stephen Lecce reminded parents what symptoms sick kids might have, which include: coughing, paleness, being shorter than the cool kids, wearing ill-fitting clothes, their nose always being wet, and “general poorness.”
“Ford and I have barely slept over the last 2 hours to come up with these regulations,” explained Lecce. “This is our ONLY plan. Both of us were pretty popular as kids, given our wealthy families and drug-dealing, so we decided we should use our own experiences, rather than any annoying recommendations from health professionals to inform these decisions.”
Lecce also listed other ways children with symptoms can be kept safely distanced such as: having teachers make fun of symptomatic kids to alienate them further; have parents dress them in their older siblings hand-me-downs; and make sure symptomatic kids don’t get invited to the popular kid’s sleepovers.
While health professionals have criticized Ford and Lecce’s plan, many have been too busy cleaning toilet paper off the trees in the front lawns to properly respond. One health reported he was pelted by water balloons by Lecce and Ford while in their dad’s Mercedes.
Ford and Lecce have revealed if this plan fails, they may begin training and transferring groups of mean girls to ostracize sick kids more, using federal money to train “better, stronger, faster bullies.”
In related news, Ford has reported his re-election strategy is wedgie-ing Steven Del Duca and egging Andrea Horwath’s house to show “they’re just fuckin’ nerds.”