MONTREAL – The mood at the Ginsberg household was reportedly low last night after receiving news that the Prophet Elijah had once again bailed on their Passover Seder. “I mean, we always le…
Religion
Breaking: Pope on balcony just to hack a dart
VATICAN CITY – Gathering in the thousands to hear him speak, parishioners were disappointed this Good Friday when Pope Francis came out on to the papal balcony just to open up a pack of Bel…
François Legault assures Muslim, Sikh, Jewish civil servants that they are free to wear crucifixes to work
QUEBEC CITY — Premier-designate François Legault has assured Quebec citizens that, since the crucifix is a historical symbol and not a religious one, civil servants of other faiths should f…
In wake of sex abuse report, Catholic priests relieved God not actually real
PHILADELPHIA — Following a Pennsylvania grand jury report which detailed decades of sexual abuses by priests and cover-ups by bishops, the world’s Catholic priests are expressing relief tha…
Pope denounces inhumane death penalty in favour of endless demonic torture
VATICAN CITY – Changing the Catholic Church’s position on capital punishment, Pope Francis has denounced the death penalty as inhumane and unacceptable in all cases, recommending instead ev…
Polite missionary patiently waiting for smarmy undergraduate philosophy student to stop fucking talking
TORONTO – Braxton Warmington, 18, a Mormon missionary, was busy nodding his head in polite agreement earlier today while local University student, Corey Langhart, 20, castigated him for sev…
Ultimate April Fools’ prank? Disciples find Christ dead in the tomb
ANCIENT JERUSALEM – The 11 remaining disciples of Jesus Christ were met with a merry prank this April Fools’ morning, after rushing to his tomb to find his body still there and very dead. “…
Declining attendance leads Catholic Church to perform ‘ambush baptisms’
VATICAN CITY – In an effort to combat plummeting Catholic numbers, Pope Francis has okayed a program of ‘ambush baptisms’ to boost the church’s membership. “Let’s face it, between Vatican I…
Pope Francis makes Taco Bell a sin after spending all morning in bathroom
VATICAN CITY- Officially recognized by the Catholic church as of this morning; the sale, consumption, or creation of any Taco Bell products will now be considered a mortal sin on par with murder …
Edmonton Catholic schools demand own shame-based Sex Ed curriculum
EDMONTON – In an effort to avoid Sex Ed curriculum they deem “problematic,” Alberta Catholic school superintendents have asked to develop their own sex education curriculum focused on shame…