CANADA – In a recent breakthrough by electronic cigarette manufacturers the next generation of e-cigarettes on the market will cause cancer and other complications, giving what distributors…
Business
40 minute hold with Rogers ends exactly as man starts to urinate
KITCHENER, ON – Well over half an hour into the hold Jason DeMark was placed on by Canada’s largest cable and wireless provider, his need to go to the bathroom finally overwhelmed him and he bega…
WIND Mobile chairman still unaware of demotion due to poor signal
TORONTO – WIND Mobile chairman and former CEO Anthony Lacavera is still unaware that the company’s new ownership group has moved him into a greatly diminished honourary position due to the …
Tax season makes man glad he saved that Wendy’s receipt from 7 months ago
SARNIA, ON – As he completes his tax return, local man David Cupchik says he is very happy that he remembered to get that receipt from the $8.99 chicken sandwich combo he ordered at the Wen…
CRTC mandates cable companies reduce prices, offer flexibility, be the internet
OTTAWA – After months of deliberation, the Canadian Radio and Television Commission released a ruling requiring large cable companies like Rogers and Bell to offer customers the kind of che…
Tim Hortons ‘RaceTogether’ initiative leads to over 4000 fistfights on first day
CALGARY – Canadian coffee chain Tim Horton’s attempt to duplicate Starbucks’ “RaceTogether” policy, where servers engage customers in frank discussions of racial politics, has resulted in 4…
Tim Hortons layoffs coincide with launch of new DoubleMeat Breakfast Sandwich
OAKVILLE, ON – Just hours after their parent company Burger King announced layoffs at Tim Hortons HQ, the coffee chain has announced a new, even meatier breakfast sandwich. “DoubleMeat mean…
Beer Store offers craft brewers opportunity to buy their children back
TORONTO – In the wake of lawsuits threatening their monopoly on beer sales in Ontario, The Beer Store is extending an olive branch to craft brewers, by offering them the chance to buy their…
Study: It’s not what you know, it’s who you know that’s rich
VANCOUVER – Researchers at the University of British Columbia have completed a study proving that knowledge, skill, and accreditation are meaningless in the face of how many wealthy people you kn…
Adam Smith’s invisible hand files for disability benefits
EDINBURGH – After 250 years of its suffering going unseen, Adam Smith’s invisible hand has decided to seek help and file for disability benefits. “I tried to solve my own problems, I really did,”…
