OAKVILLE – A recent study has revealed that most girls that were assholes to you in high school are now struggling to break free from cosmetics-related pyramid schemes in their adult lives. “We p…
Business
Royale releases new eco-friendly no ply toilet paper
DIEPPE, NB – Royale has unveiled what it calls its most innovative and environmentally friendly consumer household paper product yet: no ply toilet paper. “This is our softest bathroom tiss…
Subsidiary business mortified by antics of parent company
CALGARY – Emerging securities company LokTek announced in a press conference that their entire board of executives is completely embarrassed by the recent actions of their parent company, E…
Rogers offers new ‘re-sign Encarnacion and Bautista’ bundle
TORONTO – Rogers Media, the corporate owner of the Toronto Blue Jays, is now offering its customers a new TV, internet, and phone bundle to ensure free agents Jose Bautista and Edwin Encarn…
Nation’s spittoon manufacturers suffer 125th straight annual loss
RUSTY CREEK – Financial reports out of Rusty Creek, Idaho, the location of the headquarters of the four largest U.S. spittoon manufacturers, have confirmed that spittoon profits are down yet agai…
Blackberry to stop making phones, transition into palm pilots
WATERLOO – After struggling to keep sales up, Blackberry has decided it will cease making its keyboard phone so it can shift focus to manufacturing palm pilots. “Based on our 2015 research,…
Nestlé outbids Ontario man for access to his body’s water
PETERBOROUGH – Local man Dave MacIsaac has been outbid by multinational food and beverage giant Nestlé, who have now secured the rights to the water which makes up 60% of his body. A spokes…
Massive data breach confirms your aunt is Yahoo’s only user
Sunnyvale, CA – Yahoo confirmed on Thursday that it had been subject to a major cyberattack that had compromised its usernames, hashed passwords, and security questions, all of which belong…
Study: 95% of airport delays caused by someone stopping their true love from boarding plane to take job in San Francisco
A new study has found that 95% of airport delays are caused by someone seeking to stop the love of their lives from getting on a plane to take that job in San Francisco. Further delays are also c…
Man spends three days putting off five minute task
FREDERICTON — Deeming the act of quickly replying to a work email to be too difficult, local man Eric Stevenson has put off the task for multiple days, despite the fact that it would take him les…
