TORONTO – On the heels of handing out more than $2.3 million in retention bonuses to its five top executives, Postmedia, Canada’s largest, least solvent newspaper chain, has announced that …
Business
Facebook promises to ban fake news now that real news is absurd enough
Palo Alto – In a conference call with reporters, Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg pledged to crack down on the fake news sites that spread political lies during the 2016 U.S. election, now that…
Waterproof iPhone 7 causes Uncle Ben’s Rice stock to fall
Mars Inc., the food and beverage conglomerate, saw its share price plummet 28% this morning after a preliminary fourth quarter earnings report revealed that sales of its subsidiary Uncle Ben’s Ri…
Foxy Girl Vodka Tampons promise to revolutionize Girl’s Night Out
You work hard, and now you can play just as hard with a new product that packs the punch of three vodka shots in one convenient vaginal sip.…
Facebook introduces ‘Life Achievement Filter’ to block friends’ happiness
PALO ALTO – Facebook has announced a new setting that will keep user’s timelines free of friends’ posts regarding engagements, promotions, and trips to the gym. “We know what our users want…
Pizza Hut unveils pizza stuffed with better company’s pizza
VAUGHAN, ON – After months of speculation by industry insiders and the public alike, Pizza Hut debuted its latest menu item this week, a pizza stuffed with a better company’s pizza. “The ne…
Study: 90% of girls who were mean to you in high school now trapped in beauty product pyramid schemes
OAKVILLE – A recent study has revealed that most girls that were assholes to you in high school are now struggling to break free from cosmetics-related pyramid schemes in their adult lives. “We p…
Royale releases new eco-friendly no ply toilet paper
DIEPPE, NB – Royale has unveiled what it calls its most innovative and environmentally friendly consumer household paper product yet: no ply toilet paper. “This is our softest bathroom tiss…
Subsidiary business mortified by antics of parent company
CALGARY – Emerging securities company LokTek announced in a press conference that their entire board of executives is completely embarrassed by the recent actions of their parent company, E…
Rogers offers new ‘re-sign Encarnacion and Bautista’ bundle
TORONTO – Rogers Media, the corporate owner of the Toronto Blue Jays, is now offering its customers a new TV, internet, and phone bundle to ensure free agents Jose Bautista and Edwin Encarn…
