Dear Readers, What the fuck is wrong with Ezra Levant? After the terrorist attack on a Quebec City mosque resulted in the arrest of a lone gunman, Alexandre Bissonette – a noted white natio…
Business
McDonald’s unveils all-day breakfast in Canada to stress-test healthcare system
TORONTO – McDonald’s Canada announced today that it will begin serving all-day breakfast in order to stress-test the country’s socialized healthcare system. The menu will feature a selectio…
Canadian banks now charging $3.50 for every button you press on an ATM
TORONTO – Canada’s largest banks are now charging a $3.50 fee for every button that is pressed on any bank machine. RBC, TD, BMO, ScotiaBank and CIBC claim that the new ‘digit service fee’ …
Air Canada unveils new oxygen mask fee
“Passengers are welcome to forgo the fee and simply pass out.” New episode of The Beaverton this Wednesday at 10pm EST on Comedy!…
Ultra-hip new restaurant revealed to be just stalled escalator
TORONTO—An “amazing” new restaurant which has been delighting patrons since its surprise opening two weeks ago has been revealed to be merely a stalled escalator in the middle of a downtown comme…
90% of local man’s texts just Rogers alerts
BARRIE – Local man Aarav Verma has done the math and determined that 9 out of every 10 texts he receives are notifications from his cell phone carrier about potential deals in his area. “I …
Scotiabank admits ‘richer than you think’ slogan was a math error
TORONTO – In a startling revelation this morning Scotiabank admitted that their famous slogan ‘You’re richer than you think’ is, in fact, not true, and only arose b…
Bell, Rogers buy naming rights to nation’s newborns
Having already bought every stadium in the country, the nations telecommunications giants have now scooped up the naming rights for the hundreds of thousands of newborns in Canada. Catch a…
Rug store going out of business for realsies this time
WINNIPEG – Despite a decade and half of claiming that they are going under local rug store Sultan’s Rugs and Fineries has for sure filed for bankruptcy and are closing their doors at the en…
Marineland rebrands by being cruel to all animals, not just whales
NIAGARA FALLS – Officials at Marineland are adopting a new strategy in branding by being cruel to all of the animals, rather than just the marine mammals. “The mistreatment of the orcas and…
