VANCOUVER – Casting a dark shadow on a favoured millennial pastime, the Intergovernmental Panel on Escape Rooms released a shocking report today that states in no uncertain terms, if you di…
Business
5 caskets purchased in bulk for funeral of Costco founder
MEDINA, WA – Costco co-founder Jeffrey Brotman was laid to rest last week in one of the caskets purchased in bulk found on aisle 27 near the coffee grinders and hot tubs. According to mourn…
‘Buy American’ legislation forces man to source his kangaroo milk from Nebraska
OHIO- As a result of the America-first economic policies of Donald Trump, Ohioan Brad Frasier now has no recourse but to use inferior, Nebraskan-quality Kangaroo products. “How am I supposed to p…
Ambitious business student dreams of one day receiving bonus for bankrupting company
LONDON, ON – A second year business student is chasing his dream of climbing the corporate executive ladder so that one day he is rewarded with a large executive bonus for running the compa…
Study: 94% of new homeowners not sure what a mortgage actually is
TORONTO – In a surprise set of findings from a Canadian Homeowner’s Association survey, almost all of the nation’s population that owns their own home is completely unaware what a mortgage is, de…
Uber CEO replaced by sleep-deprived foreign student who really needs the cash
SAN FRANCISCO – After months of upheaval within the company, Travis Kalanick has stepped down as the CEO of Uber and will be replaced by a tired foreign student who has to pick up a few ext…
Amazon acquires Whole Foods in bid to corner market on privileged white people
SEATTLE — Online retailing giant Amazon (TSX: AMZN-Q) announced this week plans to acquire supermarket chain Whole Foods (TSX: WFM-Q) in what company spokesman Larry Wilson acknowledged is an at…
Sears Canada renames itself ‘Bombardier’ so government will bail it out of bankruptcy
TORONTO – Sears Canada has renamed itself to ‘Bombardier, Department Store Division’ in an effort to receive billions from the government and stave off declaring bankruptcy. The new corpora…
WestJet realizes it can expand its business by also flying east
CALGARY – After twenty-one years in the commercial aircraft industry, WestJet Airlines has finally started offering flights that fly in an eastward direction. “It’s a huge departure for us,…
Controversy erupts after retailer unveils line of sexy Handmaid’s Tale Halloween costumes
SHENZHEN, CHINA – An online retailer finds itself in hot water after unveiling its line of ‘sexy’ Handmaid’s Tale Halloween costumes. The outfit, consisting of a skimpy re…
