SAINT JOHN, NB – Following an elaborate series of funeral rites, employees of J.D. Irving’s funerary services division have completed the entombment of New Brunswick’s residents and land in…
New Tim Hortons pizza made with 100% Canadian cardboard
OAKVILLE, ON – Heralding its new offerings as the culmination of nine years of intense laboratory research, Tim Hortons president Axel Schwan proudly announced that the franchise’s new line…
House of Commons speaker relieved Japanese veteran who fought against China couldn’t make it
OTTAWA – House of Commons speaker Anthony Rota has expressed his relief that the Japanese veteran, whom he was intending to honour for fighting against China, was unable to appear. “Wow, re…
Blushing God approaches Sue Johanson with sex question no one else has been able to answer
HEAVEN – Hesitant and embarrassed, God, the almighty Lord, creator of Earth and the heavens, approached recently deceased sex educator Sue Johanson with a question. “Hey, I’m, a…
Budget conscious Loblaws replaces Galen Weston with new No Name president
BRAMPTON, ON – Saying that they have been forced to make sacrifices because of the cost of living crisis, Loblaw Corporation has opted for a more budget-friendly No Name president over cont…
First Canadian to orbit moon in attempt to find affordable housing
CAPE CANAVERAL – Astronaut Jeremy Hansen, a colonel in the RCAF, will become the first Canadian to orbit the moon in an effort to find affordable housing. “Catherine and I have three kids, …
Toronto police ask for budget increase to more equitably beat up residents
TORONTO – Following newly revealed statistics proving that Toronto Police Services uses force against BIPOC residents far more often than it does white ones, Chief James Ramer has asked the…
Ford apologizes for majority of COVID tests going to private schools, says they should have gone to real estate developers instead
TORONTO – Following a Toronto Star investigation revealing that more COVID tests went to private schools than daycares, paramedics, jails, and homeless shelters combined, Premier Doug Ford …
Freedom convoy compares selves to Terry Fox, who famously crossed Canada to protest life saving medicine
OTTAWA – Protestors and organizers of what is being called the “Freedom Convoy” by participants, say they are carrying on the legacy of legendary Canadian activist Terry Fox, who they say i…
Business refusing to enforce vaccine passport has been violating labour laws for years in preparation for this moment
TORONTO – Saying the moment he has been waiting for was finally here, David McGrath, owner of Tito’s Bar and Grill, proudly announced that those who were not vaccinated were just as welcome…