TORONTO – Following newly revealed statistics proving that Toronto Police Services uses force against BIPOC residents far more often than it does white ones, Chief James Ramer has asked the city for more funding so the force can more proportionally pummel Torontonians from other demographics.
Commenting on a recent report that showed people of colour were 20 to 60 per cent over-represented among those who faced violence when interacting with Toronto police in 2020, Chief James Ramer said it amounted to “systemic discrimination”, which the Service will immediately fix by increasing police brutality against white people.
“As Chief of Police, and on behalf of the Service, I am sorry and I apologize unreservedly,” Ramer stated to reporters as officers kettled the press conference. “The release of this data will cause pain for many, mainly in the form of fractured tibias and post-concussion syndrome, as we strive to increase racial equality in this most important aspect of policing.”
“Everyone knows subtraction is harder than addition,” added Ramer, pepper spraying a cameraman. “So instead of reducing the amount of BIPOC people we use force against, we’re just going to add to our numbers with white people. Then the ratio will even out! But to do this, we really need the city to pony up.”
“Additional training is needed to prepare officers for the prevalence of nunchucks and axes if they’re going to trounce hipsters,” explains Lonkowski. “Cracking the skulls of Caucasian children also presents a special challenge, with a high prevalence of karate in that community.”
Further, Lonkowski says an increase in fitness training would be needed across the force in order to effectively bludgeon cocaine-fueled executives and tech bros.
But in other instances, the force can quickly adapt. “Preparing officers to assault white women is easier,” says Lonkowski, “as the RCMP already has ample experience that it could lend.”