OTTAWA – In a speech from the throne opening the new session of Parliament, the Liberal Party outlined their plan to get around to doing what they promised five years ago. “We’re so sorry, …
Conservative Party announces this the best they could do
OTTAWA – In an announcement over Zoom from its headquarters, the Conservative Party of Canada revealed after a months-long campaign, that this, this, is the best the party has to offer. “Lo…
Canada wins seat on UN Insecurity Council
NEW YORK – Claiming that they “will probably just fuck it up like we always do”, Canadian diplomats celebrated the country’s election to a seat on the United Nations Insecurity Council. “It…
UK government advises residents to pick up cricket bat, wait by door for coronavirus
LONDON – Expanding on the U.K. government’s new advice that the public deal with the ongoing health threat of COVID-19 by “staying alert,” Prime Minister Boris Johnson is also recommending …
Conservatives worry federal benefits may discourage some Canadians from going back to indentured servitude
OTTAWA – As the federal government pleads with Canadians to continue respecting pandemic measures, the opposition Conservatives are warning that emergency aid could discourage some Canadian…
TTC adequate for first time in 40 years
TORONTO – Bragging that it had been “two whole days” since they had to use shuttle buses, authorities report that for the first time since the late 20th century, Toronto’s mass transit syst…
Telus threatens to euthanize animals if CRTC approves mobile virtual network operators
OTTAWA – Saying that if they wanted cute commercials instead of carcasses, they should do as he says, Telus CEO and President Darren Entwistle recommended that the CRTC not mandate mobile v…
Pierre Poilievre drops out of Conservative leadership race after failing Turing test
OTTAWA – Pierre Poilievre has dropped out of the Conservative leadership racer after failing the Turing test all of the party’s leadership candidates must pass to become party leader. “The …
Andrew Scheer makes first savvy political calculation
OTTAWA – Sitting in a darkened room, his fingers steepled in contemplation above a chess board, the newly-resigned Conservative leader awaited the consequences of the first intelligent poli…