HEAVEN – After years of speculation from fans, God announced today the highly anticipated Golden Girls reunion special is now available for subscribers of Heaven. “We’ve been wa…
Dying uncle confesses the fish he caught wasn’t that big
CALGARY – In an effort to clear his conscience before he expires, terminally ill uncle of four Michael Grosberg has admitted to his family that the monster pike he claims to have caught in …
US Border reopening reunites hundreds of Americans with their fake girlfriends
BUFFALO, NY – With the US-Canadian land border reopened for fully vaccinated travelers, hundreds of Americans are excited to be reunited with the fictional significant others they made up t…
Misinformed horse uses COVID-19 vaccine to treat worm infestation
LOUISVILLE, KY- Despite pleas to reconsider his stance by his family and veterinarian, local farm horse Mr. Clip Clop has thrown away his prescribed ivermectin and is using doses of COVID-19 vacc…
US Soldier forgot his keys in Afghanistan, will grab them next time he’s there
MONTGOMERY, AL- After returning home from his last tour of Afghanistan, United States Armed Forces Staff Sergeant Daniel Leary has discovered that he lost his keys overseas, but fully plans to re…
Ryerson University struggles to find unproblematic Canadian historical figure to change name to
TORONTO – After finally agreeing to change the name of their university due their namesake’s role in the residential school system, Ryerson University is currently facing difficulty in find…
Sean Bean expected to die in biopic about Sean Bean
LOS ANGELES – A recent press release for the upcoming biographical drama based on the life of actor Sean Bean has implied that it will feature yet another death scene for the actor, best kn…
Ford warns Ontario he’s not finished with term yet
QUEEN’S PARK – Despite continuously improving COVID numbers, Ontario Premier Doug Ford has put the province on notice not to let their guard down, as he currently remains in office. “…
John Tory gets haircut after receiving assurance that homeless people will not be given the clippings for warmth
TORONTO – After many months of growing his hair out, Toronto mayor John Tory has finally gotten his hair trimmed after painstaking measures to ensure that the newly shorn locks will not be …
Local Satanist worried his church is only second most evil
BARRIE, ON – After reading about the latest controversy surrounding the Catholic church, devout Satanist Damien Winslow is conflicted on whether or not his faith is doing enough of the devi…
