MONTREAL – Air Canada has issued a statement on its latest scandal, calling the complainants “a bunch of pasty-faced fucks” who “couldn’t board a plane if it was parked up their own assholes” as part of their apology to affected customers.
“We’re sorry we made customers sit in vomit, or discriminated against the disabled, or suffered a massive data breach, or strapped a passenger to the wing and told them to hold tight, or whatever the shit you’re all upset about now,” the statement said. “We’re sure you’d be soooo much better than us at running a national airline.”
“You’re the moron who wants to visit Winnipeg. Are you going to fucking walk there? Yeah, that’s what we thought,” the apology continued.
The apology is part of Air Canada’s latest attempt to improve its reputation, which has suffered thanks to its long-standing policy of viewing customers as disposable chattel. As part of its new campaign, the airline now sometimes performs maintenance on its planes, no longer plants drugs in luggage, and has stopped boarding customers “from least to most ugly.”
“I honestly think they’re improving,” said passenger Brady Wynn, who was stuck in Montréal–Trudeau Airport after Air Canada abruptly cancelled his flight for the third day in a row. “They only put me on hold for three and a half hours today instead of four. And the robot customer service voice just crackles inaudibly now instead of threatening to castrate me for ‘rousing it from its digital slumber.’”
“The shambling flesh-wads who sully our divine sky vessels are our most valued asset,” the apology concluded. “So even though we are your superiors in every conceivable way, we will endeavour to show you the same level of respect we would extend to a shopping cart or park bench.”
At press time, 89% of passengers forced to parachute out of an Air Canada flight at gunpoint after asking for a second cup of water agreed that the experience was still preferable to flying WestJet.