CAMP DIAMOND RIVER, ONTARIO – Confident that the axe wielding maniac who has terrorized them over the past 34 hours is definitely dead this time, following a struggle that saw him shot mult…
Local man successfully avoids saying anything controversial about Israel-Palestine situation
GUELPH, ON – Against all odds local man Jack Whitehall has managed to engage in a carefully nuanced discussion of the current strife between Israel and Palestine without saying anything tha…
House Republicans sue Obama for emotional distress brought on by his presidency
WASHINGTON D.C. – Leaders of the Congressional Republicans recently announced their intention to commence a lawsuit against President Barack Obama over the severe psychological harm and anx…
Red Hot Chili Peppers write coherent song lyric
After 20 years and millions of albums sold, Grammy winning recording artists The Red Hot Chili Peppers have written their first ever song lyric that actually makes sense. “It all started wh…
Breaking: 4 stabbed in downtown Hamilton, probably
HAMILTON – Authorities have confirmed that, while they haven’t checked in a while, it is “quite likely” that at least 4 people in Hamilton have been stabbed today. “I don’t want…
Feds approve controversial maple syrup pipeline
OTTAWA – Despite drawing criticism for considerable construction costs and possible environmental damage, the Government has given the go ahead to a pipeline linking maple syrup producing r…
Redskins owner files urgent trademark application for Washington ‘Holocaust Deniers’
WASHINGTON, D.C. – After the federal patent office revoked the Washington Redskins team trademark due to the word being a racial slur, owner Daniel Snyder has filed a new trademark applicat…
Teenage planet’s life ruined by parent star
HORSEHEAD NEBULA, UNIVERSE – It was discovered today that in the alien solar system Kepler-47, a teenage planet is having it’s life ruined by its parent stars. The planet known as 47-B or &…
School kids, MPs really excited for summer vacation
OTTAWA – As summer vacation approaches fast, the two groups of people who get the entire time off, young children and members of parliament, are both very excited for it to begin. “I can’t …
Tory anti-prostitution bill makes payment mandatory for all sexual activities
OTTAWA – Justice Minister Peter MacKay unveiled new legislation this month that would reduce the risk of exploitation and danger in prostitution by making the exchange of money a necessary precur…
