DANDONG, CHINA- Two married Canadian nationals accused of stealing state secrets from the Chinese government have admitted to the act of subterfuge, but have claimed that the only secrets they discovered were ones China had stolen from the Canadian government through its cyber spying program.
“I went through this elaborate ruse of peacefully owning a coffee shop for decades in a small town hundreds of miles from Beijing, all so I could break into the government records office and steal their most carefully guarded secrets,” said Kevin Garatt, formerly of British Coumbia.
“But then I open up the dossier my contact Maurice slipped me and all I find are pages about how Pierre Trudeau had an affair with Queen Elizabeth, Brian Mulroney secretly arranged for Gretzky to be traded from the Oilers to the Kings in order to keep Edmonton miserable, and aliens crash landed in Labrador in 1963, but no one noticed them until 1998.”
Kevin would not reveal every secret he found, although he admitted it would now be hard for him to look at Martin Short the same way ever again.
“I was most surprised by how interested China was in Canadian Football. They had entire volumes of boxes devoted to understanding the Rouge,” added his wife Julia.
At press time the Chinese government was interrogating Kevin and Julia in order to discover why Canadians loved the Mandarin Buffet so god dam much.