TORONTO – As racial tensions rise and the far right attacks the rights of women and the LGBTQ community local Caucasian male Robert Wiser finally feels he has been silent for long enough. “…
Munk Debates: Steve Bannon and David Frum to debate whether hate crimes are better than war crimes
TORONTO – The Aurea Foundation has announced that former Breitbart chairman Steve Bannon and George W. Bush speechwriter David Frum will headline the Munk Debates this year, finally settlin…
Toronto Sun hires eugenics expert to write new dating column
TORONTO – As part of their agenda to fight against the erosion of traditional Canadian values, The Toronto Sun announced today that they will be hiring a world-renowned eugenicist to write …
Ontario PC party says it wasn’t fear-mongering to describe refugees as fire-breathing, 12ft tall bat-creatures
TORONTO – Lisa MacLeod, Ontario’s new social-services minister, says she wasn’t trying to stoke anti-immigrant fears when she described all refugees as huge demons whose breath can reduce a…
“Antarctic ice loss has tripled,” says crumpled report in garbage bin in Exxon’s cocaine lounge
Irving, TX – Oil industry insiders say that an alarming climate change report has been received by one of the top waste baskets in Exxon’s largest narcotic lounge. “It is imperative that we…
Local man chooses to eat pizza crust-first like he’s some kind of ascetic monk
Kingston, ON – Displaying saint-like patience in the face of temptation, local 29 year-old Marcus Richmond consistently eats the crust of his pizza first, ignoring the topping, cheese, and …
Doug Ford finds millions in efficiencies in brother’s widow’s inheritance
Etobicoke, ON – After Renata Ford, his brother’s widow, accused him of stealing money from her Rob Ford’s estate, Doug Ford issued a statement showing how his cost-cutting measures actually…
Ordinary woman lifts car to rescue helpless burrito
TORONTO – Local woman Emily Pallister went above and beyond today, summoning superhuman strength to save her defenseless carne asada burrito that was about to be crushed by a careless drive…
Man who dies of heart attack in underfunded hospital in 2021 tells family he’s voting for Doug Ford
Etobicoke, ON – Aaron Harris, who will die in a waiting room of a myocardial infarction in three years, has announced to his family that he plans on voting for Doug Ford and his policy of a…
Local patio can’t wait for start of drunk asshole season
TORONTO – As the days get longer and the weather gets warmer, the patio at local restaurant Bennie’s is ramping up to Drunk Asshole season when it’ll finally be covered by boozy morons bein…