ST. CATHARINES, ON – Local man Devon Rettinger recently expressed bewilderment that his thorough knowledge of the statistics of the Buffalo Sabres in their 1996-1997 season hasn’t led to mo…
Local legend Can’t Count Johnson dies at the age of 375
MONCTON – Can’t Count Johnson has passed on at the ripe old self-reported age of 375. Possibly the oldest man ever to live, Johnson got the nickname ‘Can’t Count’ due to his inability to d…
Oscars add “Best Spider-Based Picture”
HOLLYWOOD – In a last-minute move to boost ratings, The Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences has added a new category, ‘Best Spider-Based Picture,’ awarded to ‘the best film featurin…
Seneca College unveils slogan “Seneca: The Harvard of Eastern Finch/Don Mills”
EASTERN FINCH/DON MILLS – Seneca College has undergone a rebrand, and is now calling itself “The Harvard of Eastern Finch/Don Mills.” “It’s time to toot our own horn a little,” said Seneca …
Inventor of the children’s toy Slime thrown in jail for 34 consecutive life sentences
LOS ANGELES – Chemist/Toy Inventor George Earnshaw, the inventor of the children’s toy Slime, has been sentenced to 34 consecutive life sentences for ruining countless lives and rugs around…
Editorial: I don’t celebrate Groundhog Day because I honour groundhogs every day of the year
As February 2nd approaches, and I watch my friends and family stress over making the perfect plans for Groundhog Day, I can’t help but sit back and watch in bewilderment. Because you see, for me…
Local dad shovelling snow for hours clearly avoiding family
NORTH BATTLEFORD, SK – Local dad Todd Wolverton has been outside shovelling snow for an unnaturally long time, and experts suggest it may be that he is avoiding his family. “I think he’s be…
Kids returning to their virtual school classrooms find them smaller than they remembered
TORONTO – Wistful and nostalgic students returning to virtual school across the country were surprised to find their old classrooms were smaller than they seemed in previous years. “Man, th…
Marvel announces reboot of Elephant Man
BURBANK – Marvel Studios has announced another addition to its packed 2022 schedule, a reboot of the 1980 David Lynch film The Elephant Man. The film is unusual for Marvel, not only because…
FreshCo and Food Basics announce they are actually two different places
MISSISSAUGA/TORONTO – The discount grocery store chains FreshCo and Food Basics have released a joint statement stating unequivocally that they are two different grocery stores, and not the…