CUPERTINO, CA – Apple has refreshed its high-end MacBook Pro laptop line this week, featuring a revolutionary new keyboard design that was inspired by the class action lawsuits filed agains…
Cabinet Minister breastfeeding during question period on marijuana legalization in your grandpa’s nightmares
OTTAWA – Speaking to reporters on the lawn of his placid retirement community, your grandpa announced this morning that he had had a vivid nightmare yesterday in which the Minister of Democ…
World War II ruined! Battlefield V poster features woman soldier
LOS ANGELES – In a shockingly disrespectful display of tone-deaf pandering, video game studio DICE ruined World War II yesterday by placing a woman on the poster of the latest Battlefield v…
Amazon posts ad seeking roommate to share lease of new Vancouver HQ
VANCOUVER – In an ad posted to craigslist this morning, online shopping giant Amazon announced that it is seeking a roommate to help cover the exorbitant lease of its new Vancouver headquar…
Motives of man who clearly stated his motives unclear
TORONTO – In the aftermath of the deadly Toronto van attack that left 10 dead and 14 injured, journalists and commentators have failed to uncover a motive for the senseless actions of the p…
Local liberal arts campus closed for deconstruction
VANCOUVER – This morning, the Emily Carr University of Art and Design announced that its main campus will be shuttering over the summer for a large-scale deconstruction project. “It’s been …
Netflix makeover show “Scheer Eye” will bring repressed, aggressively tame lifestyle to the masses
TORONTO – In a press conference announcing a slate of new programming for the year, Netflix head of content acquisitions Audrey Gardiner was excited to reveal that Andrew Scheer, leader of …
Imitation crab added to endangered species list
HALIFAX – In a press release this morning, the World Wildlife Fund declared that as a result of the immense popularity of affordable sushi and bland seafood salads, the imitation crab has o…
Vancouver landlord seeks tenants for room that doubles as arts space/film set/weed dispensary
VANCOUVER – In a posting on Craigslist, a Vancouver landlord has announced that he is seeking five tenants for a single bedroom within an already inhabited apartment. The 8” by 8” space, lo…
Local man completely changes personality after being visited by three ghosts
Ach-To — As tends to happen to people on Christmas, local elderly man Luke Skywalker is alleged to have completely changed his personality with a seemingly supernatural abruptness. It is un…