WORLDWIDE: Long distance friendships around the world have been reduced to periodically sending each other “don’t fuck him” and “yeah, also not him” texts. “When I moved to Canada, my best friend…
How to listen to someone when there’s a bowl of salt and vinegar chips right there
We’ve all been there- someone is telling you a story, probably an extremely personal one that requires your full attention, but also there’s a bowl of salt and vinegar chips right there, bathed i…
Woman afraid to ask if other people’s feet are also this sweaty
SASKATCHEWAN – Local woman, Maria D’Souza, has spent most of her life being afraid to ask other people if their feet are as sweaty as hers. “What first made me think something was wrong was…
“I’m just happy to be here” says thick book propping up laptop
MOOSE JAW, SK – As more people work remotely than ever before, there are millions of thick books happily propping up their laptops. On the Origin of Species, the foundational book of the fi…
Torontonians desperate for white friends with cottages who also like seasoning on food
TORONTO – Summer is in full swing, and as is customary, multiple locals have set out to try and acquire the rarest of rare humans- a white friend with a cottage who also likes food to be ad…
Man daydreams of being rich person’s dog for 5th time today
TORONTO – Local man, Andrew Tan, has spent a lot of time lately thinking how great it would be to be a rich person’s dog instead of a human male forced to make his life fulfilling. “I’ve be…
Woman who doesn’t want children afraid of never having children
BURNABY, BC – Local woman, Nadine Tarzi, speaks out about definitely not wanting children and subsequently struggling with the possibility of never actually having any children. “The idea o…
Real estate agents confirm your parents must die before you can afford to buy a house
NATIONWIDE – With real estate prices once again booming after a slight COVID-related decline, Canada’s real estate agents have officially confirmed what many have suspected for some t…
Woman diligently washing vibrator pretty sure she could be a good mom
MONTREAL – While carefully washing her $200 vibrator after use, local woman Maya Shah had the epiphany that it’s very likely she could be a great mother. She has since applied to adopt a ch…
“I know what I’m talking about”, says man who only read title of vaccine article
LONDON, ON – Local conspiracy theorist Grant Christopher, recently contributed to a discussion at his family table by assuring everyone that he completely understands the COVID-19 vaccine s…