Torontonians desperate for white friends with cottages who also like seasoning on food - The Beaverton
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Torontonians desperate for white friends with cottages who also like seasoning on food

– Summer is in full swing, and as is customary, multiple locals have set out to try and acquire the rarest of rare humans- a white friend with a who also likes to be adequately seasoned.

Abdul, who grew up in Tanzania, recounts a traumatic event, “I went to a white friend’s cottage in Muskoka once and she put some burgers on the grill. No salt. No spice rub. Nothing. Just straight out of the frozen package and onto the heat. I made eye contact with the only other POC…I saw a quiet fear there that I felt within my own heart. That fear will haunt me every time I’m near a barbeque”, he shudders.

“The cottage was very nice though. There was even a zipline. I was too shaken up to try it”, Abdul says with tears in his eyes. “Next time, I’ll prepare by microdosing and licking bland potatoes for a week so my taste buds aren’t so jarred”.

Salt is one of the five basic tastes humans are hard-wired to detect. It enhances the overall flavour of the food. It can elevate, it can dial down, it can balance. Which begs the question so many are posing: why not make use of this magical mineral? Especially at an idyllic location that beckons us all, but where only a privileged few can answer the call.

Indian immigrant, Ashima Kaul, isn’t afraid to go there. “ colonized India through millenia for their spices, and for what?”. She continues with a magnanimous offer, “I’m willing to let that go if one of them invites me to the cottage. I can take care of the , but there better be a water slide the likes of which have never been seen before. And a fire pit. I like to watch things burn in a controlled space. Fire is pretty cool.”

To be fair, there, of course, exist white people who love delicious food, who are also looking to spend a long weekend at the cottage.

Local man, Ryan, chimes in, “Come on, white people. We can do better. First of all, let’s try to not be racist when it comes to inviting people to our cottages and secondly, let’s try to make better tasting food.”

Ryan looks around before he continues in a whisper, “But really, I can make do without seasoning… please invite me. I love living like we don’t know any better, I promise! I also think it’s totally cool that we don’t wash our buttholes after we poop! These are all good ideas! Just please INVITE ME TO YOUR COTTAGE!”

At press time, Ryan was the only one invited to a cottage. Surprise, surprise.