QUEEN’S PARK – Ontario Premier Doug Ford is in production today on a new advertisement meant to play on U.S. television that sees former President Ronald Reagan point out how he, like most people, thought pedophilia was bad.
The ad, a follow-up to last month’s infamous piece that sampled a speech in which Reagan advanced anti-tariff viewpoints, uses an excerpt from a rarely-seen public address from late in his Presidency.
“My fellow Americans,” President Reagan can be heard saying. “Just, on the off-chance this ever becomes controversial, and I don’t know why it would, but let’s just get this very basic stuff out of the way: it’s a bad idea to be sexually fixated on children. Yes, even older children. Yes, by children I still mean seventeen-year-olds. Okay. Well, I’m sorry if you found it insulting that I had to say that. But, you never know…”
Many political pundits expect the new Ontario Government ad espousing a baseline moral stance against pedophilia to be controversial, as previous usage of Reagan to denounce the behaviour of the White House was taken personally by the current President, culminating in the sudden cessation of trade talks.
“This is just the Canadians proving themselves to be unfair negotiators again,” said US Trade Representative Jamieson Greer. “The Prime Minister of Ontario knows that Trump is sensitive about attacks on his core policies, such as ‘having sex with trafficked underage minors’. We Americans cannot let foreign governments try to influence our positions, be it on international trade or whether or not it’s bad for wealthy perverts to smuggle children around the country for sex.”
Premier Ford did not respond to requests for comment, but the agency behind the commercial is said to have lined up several more ads in the same format, featuring other former American presidents coincidentally speaking out against the pet policies of President Trump. These future ads include a secret recording of President Nixon explaining that some corruption “goes too far”, a fireside chat with Franklin Delano Roosevelt talking about how it’s wrong to blow up foreign fishing boats without cause, and a wax cylinder of Abraham Lincoln discussing how you shouldn’t turn the Justice Department into a personal law firm to target your personal enemies.
As a response to these new ads, American conservative media figure Megyn Kelly will appear in an infomercial called “The Many Important Differences between Pedophiles and Ephebophiles”, to be broadcast during breaks in CBC’s Murdoch Mysteries.
