CAMROSE, AB – In yet another shocking electoral upset, Conservative leader and former Member of Parliament Pierre Poilievre has somehow been defeated once again in today’s by-election by Liberal MP Bruce Fanjoy,
Fanjoy’s latest unprecedented defeat over the heavily-favoured Poilievre took place this time in the Battle River-Crowfoot by-election, mere months after Fanjoy unseated Poilievre in his longtime riding of Carleton in the federal election.
As a sitting Member of Parliament, Fanjoy would typically have been ineligible to run as a candidate in another riding, but Commissioner of Canada Elections Caroline J. Simard decided to make an exception because of “how funny it’d be if Fanjoy beat Poilievre for a seat in Parliament twice in four months”.
In the weeks leading up to the by-election, Poilievre’s Conservative campaign filed a Federal Court challenge to the decision, largely on the grounds that Fanjoy running for a second seat “is fully illegal and insane”. However, Chief Justice Paul S. Crampton sided with Commissioner Simard after polling indicated that the collective voters in Battle River-Crowfoot “wanted him to lose THIS badly”.
Poilievre was reportedly despondent as Fanjoy’s victory was announced, and could be heard asking staffers, “This was supposed to be a shoe-in! I wore a damn cowboy hat! I even went to the Stampede while people were getting stabbed! Was that not enough for you yokels?!”
Outside a Drumheller polling station, voters seemed united in their opinion that no, this simply was not enough.
“Poilievre is a cosmopolitan elite who thought we’d send him to Parliament just because there was the word ‘Conservative’ next to his name,” explained Darlene Brigsby, 55. “And normally we would’ve overlooked that, but Bruce (Fanjoy) really put in the work, knocking on every door in the riding while Pierre (Poilievre) was riding around in a literal Rolls Royce. The guy just wanted it more.”
Commentators attributed Fanjoy’s victory to his ability to connect with voters in the riding, along with his particularly effective “It’s cool if you have measles” ad campaign.
“It is the honour of my life to have an opportunity to beat Pierre Poilievre in yet another riding,” explained a jubilant Fanjoy as he answered constituent emails from his Carleton riding. “Today, the voters spoke and said that they will not stand for divisive politics, at least not from a guy who looks like he will corner you at a party to talk about crypto.”
At press time, Poilievre was considering becoming an American citizen to run for Congress in Alabama’s 4th congressional district, the most solidly Republican seat in the House of Representatives, leading Fanjoy to immediately declare his intentions to marry an American citizen and run for the same seat.
