OTTAWA – After repeated threats of annexation from Donald Trump, Canada has made the bold move of reminding the world it already bends the knee to a weird, elderly King.
“Canada is a proud, independent nation that will not be bullied,” stated Prime Minister Mark Carney. “And what better way to warn off that bully than by asking our old daddy to protect us?”
“Donald Trump is an aged, demented wastrel who was born into privilege and has spent decades plotting to become a monarch,” continued Carney. “Canada is here to say proudly: We have one of those!”
“And have for a while,” Carney added, gazing fondly at an image of the crusty monarch on a fresh $20 Canadian bill.
King Charles III of England is coming to Canada to open the new session of parliament, deliver the speech from the throne, and pee on the CN Tower to mark his territory.
Opinions are split on the efficacy of the move at such a volatile time. Columnist Andrew Coyne pointed out, “Having King Charles deliver the throne speech emphasizes one big advantage that he has over Trump: The ability to speak and read in English.”
On the other side, many have noted several advantages that Trump maintains over King Charles, such as unwavering loyalty from unhinged sycophants, a much more powerful military, and a first-hand friendship with Jeffrey Epstein instead of second-hand through a brother.
At press time Queen Camilla and Melania Trump were engaged in a winner takes all bake-off.
