OTTAWA – With another NHL season about to commence, the Ottawa Senators have once again reminded the rest of the league that they exist and are equipped to play hockey.
“Hi guys, it’s us again, your friendly Atlantic Division participants,” the Senators’ letter to the other 31 teams began. “We just wanted to remind you that we’re here, and you will need to swing by Ottawa at some point if you want to complete your entire schedule.”
“We know we don’t have a classic rival like Toronto and Montreal or Calgary and Edmonton, but we’d still be more than happy to come to your city and play hockey with you,” the message continued. “It’s no trouble at all, we swear. We can even bring the pucks.”
The memo went on to reiterate the Senators’ many accomplishments, from getting creamed in a Cup Final nearly 20 years ago to reminding everyone that Canada has a senate.
“Oh, right, those guys,” said Vancouver head coach Rick Tocchet. “When they showed up last season claiming to be a team called the Senators, I was like ‘Yeah, sure, good one.’ But they really committed to the prank by playing us. I wonder what their deal is.”
As the Senators enter the eighth meandering year of their rebuild, while continuing to play in a country supposedly named “Kanata”, their annual reminder has proven invaluable in ensuring they retain access to NHL facilities and don’t get moved to Kansas City by Gary Bettman.
“When we showed up for our preseason games, everyone kept asking us if we were that new team from Utah,” said supposed Senators player Brady Tkachuk. “I’m pretty sure we’re not.”
The team’s message concluded by saying, “We’re looking forward to navigating the challenges of another NHL season alongside our cherished colleagues,” although reportedly no other franchise made it that far into the email before marking it as spam.
At press time, the Senators had already won their first game of the year after the Florida Panthers assumed “Ottawa” was a schedule misprint and cancelled their flight to the city.
