EDINBURGH, UK – Author JK Rowling has released a new book featuring a retelling of the Harry Potter story, but from the point of view of one of her most hated characters, Professor Dolores Umbridge.
Rowling claimed that this new release is due to her realization that Umbridge is not actually the horrible racist allegory she originally thought, and “actually made some decent points”.
“The woman became headmistress at Hogwarts and did not sacrifice one ounce of femininity,” said Rowling as she hit send on a hate tweet without looking, as if it were second nature. “Look at her office, pink everywhere, like some sort of symbol of feminist power. She’s actually an icon.”
The new novel, “Dolores Umbridge and the Cancellation of a Hero,” follows the middle-aged professor as she tries to follow her passion, abusing kids, while the wizarding world completely turns on her for speaking her truth. This all culminates in the heroic Umbridge unjustly getting catapulted into a pit of animagi.
“An animagus is a wizard who can transform himself into an animal at will,” Rowling continued. “Who do they think they are? Just changing their own biology like that to manipulate people, probably. Yes, I invented them, but now I think they’re stupid and dumb and should be illegal.”
Jazmyn Crowther, an early reviewer of the novel, agreed with the messages in the book, stating, “It’s about time we get Umbridge’s perspective. She’s just so misunderstood. I mean, who were the Order of the Phoenix if not a bunch of SJWs wasting their energy trying to cancel Tom Riddle?”
Crowther also praised a chapter where the Sorting Hat went on a YouTube rant about how once a wizard is sorted, he must remain in his assigned house and can’t just “change willy-nilly,” no matter what his or her inner self tells them.
Rowling finished off by saying, “I’m just trying to shed light on women who were once celebrated and are now being berated at every turn. Look, Umbridge once built a hospital for sick children and no one’s talking about that!” Rowling said this as she held up her laptop with a new chapter written on Umbridge’s history posted 3 seconds ago on Pottermore.
At press time, Rowling was seen trying to come up with new slurs because she had so much fun making up “mudblood.”
