WASHINGTON, DC – In a stunning show of bravery Mitch McConnell has publicly blamed President Trump for the January 6th Capitol riots, effectively biting the hand that’s fed him for the past four years, after making 100% sure the hand did not have any more food.
“The mob was fed lies,” proclaimed McConnell on Tuesday, with hint of envy that he hasn’t been fed so much as a Werther’s Original by Trump in months. “They were provoked by the President and other powerful people who shall remain unnamed until I’m certain they also can no longer help my agenda.”
McConnell’s snub of President Trump came one day before Trump left office and two days before the Democrats took control of the Senate. “Some speak truth to power too soon,” mused Dr. Franklin Mulford, political analyst at Cedarville University. “Others wait until power has been defeated, humiliated, impeached – twice – and banned from all social media. There are lots of different ways to be a hero.”
Since his bold statement the Republican Senate Leader’s approval rating has risen to a number above zero for the first time in years. “I’d be so scared to criticize my boss, and that’s sort of what McConnell did!” commented Joe Fulkerson on McConnell’s official Facebook page. “I thought he was just some cold-blooded Machiavellian turtle boy. Turns out – he’s a turtle MAN.”
Despite his condemnation of Trump, McConnell will wait to decide how to vote in the upcoming Senate impeachment trial until he sees what all the other Republicans are doing. He called the impeachment a “vote of conscience” while checking a real-time tracker of Trump’s approval ratings on his phone under the table.
“We have to set a president-precedent,” McConnell later commented to the press. “We have to let Trump and all future presidents know they cannot blatantly use lies to incite violence; they have to do it subtly, through systemic racism in policing.”
“I look forward to serving the American people by continuing to obstruct the Democrats at every turn,” McConnell added. “Unless, of course, Biden starts lending me his beach house or something.”
