VANCOUVER – COVID-19 isn’t the only fever spreading these days. According to a recent poll, sign language interpreters now outrank rock stars when it comes to jobs that fuck.
Due to the current increase in announcements by government officials, sign language interpreters have been getting exposure like never before. Every day, crowds of thousands flock to their televisions to watch these communication gods translate one language to another through facial expressions, hand movements, and pure unmasked sex appeal.
“It’s so sexy, how they’re symbols of society working towards a more inclusive world! I get all hot and bothered at how precise and quick they are with their hands,” said fan Gwen Hsu. “Way sexier than a gyrating rock star trying to penetrate the very essence of my soul through song! Like, ew!”
Traditionally, sign language interpreters have ranked 147th in the annual Jobs That Fuck poll. Since the pandemic, they have skyrocketed to the number one spot, beating out the usual favourites including rock stars, underwear models, and hot widowed elementary school science teachers desperate to learn how to love again.
It’s a welcome development according to 38-year-old Stuart Gibblesman, one of the most well-known of the new breed of steamy sign language interpreters and the creator of the universal sign for “three-way.”
Gibblesman, considered the resident bad boy of the American Sign Language world, says that “all of this attention on us translators has been really great for highlighting the importance of sign language and accessibility. But if I’m being honest, I’m pissed! Why are we only becoming sex symbols now? The one time in human history when no one can go out and have sex with enthusiastic strangers!? If we weren’t self-isolating I swear I would-”
Gibblesman then took 20 minutes to explicitly describe what he would do with his newfound sex symbol status via sign language. This publication is not legally allowed to relay his statements due to current obscenity laws.
