CANADA – As coronavirus social distancing approaches its second full week, single-person households across the country report Netflix’s autoprompt reminding them that they are alone – so, so alone.
After countless hours spent binging TV in the 400-square-foot coffin they share with a family of silverfish, those living alone say the usually irritating “are you still watching?” messages from Netflix are now “as welcome as a lover’s caress”.
“One time I thought I heard someone calling my name but it was just a popup porn ad” said Toronto basement studio apartment tenant, Lianna Sandhu, who has started naming the silverfish and taking them for walks.
Other solo Canadians report resorting to desperate measures like holding hands with their houseplants, and removing the stickers from their webcams so at least hackers can join them for dinner.
Health Canada recommends people experiencing loneliness due to social distancing “just download Skype or something” and also to “stop being such desperate losers.”
“We’re kinda tied up at the moment,” replied Health Canada lead viral epidemiologist Murray Trank. “Maybe read a book? I dunno, I’m busy!”
However, some lone Canadians report they are doing just fine. “If you tie a sweater really tight around your own shoulders it’s almost like having a friend,” reported one Vancouver source who wishes to remain anonymous so their other sweaters don’t get jealous.
In other news, multi-person households across the nation report longing for the sweet release of death.
