NEW YORK – After a celebrated run of 76 years as the king of desserts in the Big Apple, New York Cheesecake has announced today his retirement to the sunny beaches of Florida.
“What can I say? I guess I’m ready for a bit of peace and quiet,” said the decadently creamy cake. “Plus, I know a little lady down in the Keys who’s a real sweet slice,” alluding to his new girlfriend, Key Lime Pie. “She and I got ourselves a condo in a gated community right on the beach. The ocean, the sunshine, the soft purr of the jetskis… Fugedaboutit!”
NY Cheesecake’s ex-wife NY Pizza Slice released a statement saying, “I wish NY Cheesecake all the best in Florida. My new husband Subway Rat and I will miss him terribly. Stay dry in all the climate change hurricanes, Cakes!”
“I know people are gonna say ‘Oy that Cheesecake, he’s a real schmuck for hightailing it to the sunshine state.’ To them I say, I’ve brawled with enough pigeons on the mean streets of NYC. I’m 76 years old! I’m ready for orange groves, low taxes, and a monoculture of old rich white cakes, just like me.”
An anonymous source close to NY Cheesecake reported that a personal feud with Mayor Bill de Blasio and ensuing legal issues may also be factors in the famed cake’s decision to move south. “de Blasio names sugar and fat public health issues, and like, what do you think the first two ingredient in NY Cheesecake are? Man’s a walking heart attack. I’ve personally seen him give at least 400 kids diabetes. He’s a bad, bad piece of… cake.”
At press time, NY Cheesecake is rumoured to be making his unofficial Florida debut at Jimmy Buffet’s annual “Flip Flops and Sponge Cake Gala” at the Daytona Beach Margaritaville.
