VIENNA – Historians focusing on the development of the study of astronomy have finally uncovered the answer to a mystery that has long puzzled modern scientists: whose anus is the planet Uranus named for?
Though coincidentally sharing the same name as the Greek god of the sky, researchers have long known that the planet’s name was actually a reference to a very specific but unrevealed anus. For decades, studies were conducted worldwide to determine which personage had an anus notable enough to have a planet named after it. Short lists included Galileo Galilei’s anus, Copernicus’ anus, and even the anus of the Marquis de Sade.
“It seems that the actual answer is a bit more mundane,” admitted Dr. Hans Svarz of the University of Vienna, “as it turns out, Johann Elert Bode – who later discovered Uranus’ orbit – had been hosted at a neighbour’s home during a time when his attic was being fumigated for bats. Spying the neighbor bathing in the evening, Bode was taken aback by the way the man’s anus made very specific oblong ripples in the tub and utilized the memory of those ripples to calculate the recently discovered planet’s orbit.”
“In honour of the neighbour’s inspiring anus, Bode suggested the name Uranus,” Svarz continued.
That neighbour, Zeus Goliath, has now been posthumously inducted in the Royal Astronomical Society and bronze busts of his face and anus will be displayed side by side at Cape Kennedy.
Despite the discovery, the historians are not putting away their books just yet. Shifting focus, they intend to turn their attention to determining the source of the name for Astral Object 1568993 – otherwise known as Dicknballs Comet.
