KITCHENER – In the latest in a series of heavy cutbacks, Postmedia Network has announced they will be scaling back the company to a single coffee machine in Kitchener.
“We at Postmedia believe this action may help us combat our sizable debt,” said President Paul Godfrey. “Cutting unnecessary fat is just sound business practice.”
The decision to locate the lone coffee machine, a small six-cup brewer, in the Ontario city was based on Kitchener-Waterloo being a tech hub with a central location for ease of distribution.
“It’s a good thing they brought in a coffee machine,” said Keurig repairman Karl Gaershwin, Postmedia’s last employee. “Gotta stay caffeinated when you’re covering local news for the entire East Coast.”
“No, wait—sorry, we actually don’t cover the East Coast anymore. Or any news. It’s just coffee.”
Postmedia has now claimed that the cutbacks are being blown far out of proportion by both embittered former employees and by the three newspapers in Canada that they haven’t had the chance to run into the ground.
“This the journalism business, not the ‘waste money on employees and buildings and newspapers’ business,” added Godfrey. “They should be thankful it’ll still be two years before we can convert all coffee to digital platforms.”
