SAN FRANCISCO – Following today’s Apple keynote announcement of their iPhone 7 featuring new wireless headphones, Apple users have reported that 100% of the new “AirPods” have been lost in various couches.
“These new AirPods look great, and I can’t believe the sound – or at least I couldn’t believe it before I lost both the tiny bastards inside my sofa,” said Apple enthusiast Jason Woods, 32. Within moments of purchasing the latest iPhone, the vibrations created by Woods’ own footsteps jostled the high tech headphones from his ears. Undaunted, the self-proclaimed “iFanatic” announced plans to purchase a replacement pair.
“One hundred and seventy dollars! What the fuck?” added Woods.
Apple’s iPhone 7 has done away with the traditional headphone jack, preventing customers from using any previous headphones with obsolete cords, including but not limited to the $4 headphones from the Dollarama down the street.
In addition to the nation’s couches, reports have also flooded in of the cordless headphones disappearing into sewer grates, puddles, and even one time down a goddamn elevator shaft. However Apple CEO Tim Cook is undaunted by the immediate volume of lost AirPods.
“Some have accused Apple of being ‘evil’ for giving customers something they don’t want,”, explained Cook. “On the other hand we think it took courage to give customers something they both don’t want, and will be unable to keep.”
Looking to the future, Apple promised that the upcoming iPhone 7S would automatically drop itself into water, forcing customers to purchase a replacement model.
