WASHINGTON, D.C. – Earlier this week, U.S. President Donald Trump was unable to remember the explicit instructions he was given to stop talking about Canada in order to help the man he’s tapped to be the first governor of the 51st state win the Canadian federal election.
“We should have expected something like this,” said one Trump ally who would only speak off the record as she’s currently the premier of a western Canadian province. “He’s a great man, a genius, a king among ants, but he is unable to either retain or follow simple instructions.”
Trump, who several months ago decided on a whim that he wanted to annex Canada, has somehow been able to publicly hold his tongue about his plans for forcing Canada to join the United States for an entire month. Political scientists believe that even someone with Trump’s withered, struggling intellect was able to understand that talking about his plans would make them more difficult to achieve because of how many Canadians truly hate him and anyone like him.
However, with just a week left in the Canadian election, Trump finally broke his silence during an interview with Time Magazine. When asked if he was trolling when he talked about making Canada the 51st state, he was unable to restrain himself long enough to say something non-committal for the sake of helping a supporter take control of the Canadian federal government. Instead, Trump confirmed that he was not kidding, and annexation is a real danger Canadians need to deal with, preferably by electing a leader who hasn’t already decided on what Canada’s state motto will be.
“It’s not like we had a definite plan,” said another Trump ally who also refused to speak on the record because he’s currently hoping to become the prime minister of Canada, then almost immediately become the governor of the great state of Canada. “That would technically be treason. But we did have an understanding. At least, I thought we did. I just assumed our shared love of authoritarianism would be enough to keep him quiet for one more week.”
At press time, the Conservatives were using back channels to promise Trump that if he shuts his mouth for just a few more days and they somehow pull off an election win, they’ll name the new Canadian state capitol Trump Town.
