WINDSOR, ON – Derryl Virkin, the sole Canadian who has been smuggling negligible amounts of fentanyl across the US border, has reported feeling “really flattered and kinda giddy but also kinda weird, eh?” in the wake of Trudeau’s recent announcement about a joint US-Canadian fentanyl task force.
“It’s like, all of this for little old Moi? I dunno, at first I thought they must have made a mistake.”
Despite data showing Canada is responsible for less than .2% of fentanyl in the US, the Canadian government will be investing $200 million dollars toward apprehending and stopping Virkin.
The lone smuggler, who lives in a one-bedroom apartment with his late mother’s cat, enjoys Fortnite and is learning to play the guitar, was startled by the news that an enormous international effort was about to be focused on him.
“It’s like I’m Will Smith in Enemy of the State. And it’s kinda like, awesome! Like all the government guys after me, like POW! And I’ll get to lean out of a chopper and yell and stuff. But then it’s like, kind of embarrassing for them that they’re doing all this for me, right? Like as a taxpayer I’m a little concerned.”
The government response will include establishing a Fentanyl Czar, strike force, intelligence directive and “classifying cartels as terrorists.”
“That last one I’m not so sure about,” Virkin commented, nervously. “Am I a cartel? I have a car and sometimes I drive in it, is that what a cartel is?”
“I mean yeah, fentanyl is a horrible drug that destroys lives, but we could be improving our nation’s broadband infrastructure, financing a national housing fund, securing old age and family benefits, or any of the hundred other things our Federal government could be devoting resources towards besides making the knuckle-dragging bullies who love Donald Trump feel like they got one over on us.”
“But hey, you do whatcha gotta do,” he said, as he crushed an empty can of Labatt.
At press time, Derryl decided it would be easier to flush the fentanyl he was going to traffic, but decided to keep just one baggie around so the police will have something to do when they showed up.
