TORONTO – After standing for 54 years as a testament to midcentury architecture and a source of memories for generations of young people, the Ontario Science Centre was announced to be closing today, the result of strain on its roof as it struggled to support the added tonnage of Premier Doug Ford’s bullshit.
“The bullshit began to gather on the northern side of Raymond Moriyma’s famous building just after Ford’s reelection, when he suggested that the facility was in need of modernization while simultaneously refusing to fund those efforts,” said structural engineer Dr. Samuel Konstanz. “By the time he announced a plan to move the whole thing to Ontario Place in order to benefit his real estate donors, the support beams were completely unstable.”
Eventually the roof was deemed dangerous according to a report surfaced by Infrastructure Minister, Kinga Surma, who managed to deliver this news without laughing, smirking, or doing her Tony Soprano impersonation.
Ms. Surma did her very best to pretend that the roof was an immediate concern that warranted the facility closing, going so far as to claim in a press release that it could collapse if these upcoming summer months resulted in enough “snow accumulation.”
Premier Ford could not be reached for comment as he recently began his annual 19-week vacation at his cottage, though he sent several more vans full of his bullshit to the site to be added to the pile on the building’s groaning roof in the form of a claim that the Province can not afford to repair the roof while spending more money than it would cost on partisan ads touting his government’s alleged successes.
At press time, the Science Centre’s summer childrens’ programming was being canceled, and the bullshit was being scraped off the roof to be sculpted into a ten-story luxury condo by the De Gasparis family, with prices starting in the low millions.
