NEW YORK CITY, NY – Former US President Donald Trump has won 100% of the vote in his hush money trial as a jury reached the unanimous verdict of guilty on all 34 charges.
Trump has been convicted of falsifying records of payments to hide sexual activity that could potentially be damaging to his electoral campaign, though we now know that there is no activity he can be accused of, sexual or otherwise, capable of such a thing.
Manhattan District Attorney Alvin Bragg declared, “Our office presented the evidence before the jury and they voted to find the defendant guilty in a landslide. Mr. Trump is a divisive figure in many respects but both his supporters and detractors can agree on one thing, and that’s his overwhelming criminality.”
Trump’s defense attorney, Todd Blanche, replied, “When it comes to being elected the next president of the United States of America, my client proudly pleads ‘Guilty’! But we will also be appealing these specific guilty charges.”
Sentencing has yet to be determined and Trump could face up to four years behind bars, which would likely be his most celebrated four-year term. Experts believe he is more likely to receive a harsh admonishment to never do these particular crimes again and to pay a fine of one rambling speech that contains the word “sorry”.
The political community and mainstream media is unanimous in their belief that this is a historical day in American politics that will nevertheless have absolutely no impact on Trump’s ability to run for president or have any real measurable effect on his life in any way. In fact, Trump was polling 14% higher immediately after the verdict was released.
