TORONTO – Cliffdale High ‘09 alum Jim Smith has repeatedly whiffed attempts to write and publish a correct Facebook take about the devastating conflict in the Middle East at least five times now, worrying and captivating his former classmates.
“So far he’s come out on both sides, on neither side, and vaguely stood against what he called ‘the masculine art of fighting’,” explained Cliffdale ‘09 valedictorian Wendy Lee. “This new big Jim Idea involves turning the entire region into a tourists-only pan-religious Disney World. He attached drawings of roller coaster ideas. It’s bad.”
While the research quality of Smith’s posts are questionable, they regularly garner an average of two pity likes and a handful of shares to pages dedicated to reposting idiocy from around the world. For reasons unclear, Smith will often then find his own shared post and either argue in the comments against his original point, spam the thread with wine mom minions memes, or reply “lol, not reading that essay.”
Occasionally Smith will delete his profile entirely, only to restore it with an apology post that somehow includes five new, worse takes.
“This is a man who sees someone else’s post on Facebook and goes ‘oh, we’re posting takes? Fuck it, we ball, I got ten,’” said Tristan Brown, Smith’s former lab partner. “The man loves positive online attention and he has no idea how to get it, but he’ll always keep trying. It’s inspiring.”
Content aside, the ill-informed framing and word choice of Smith’s posts also deeply concerns the bulk of his friends list. Smith has repeatedly mistyped Hamas as “Hamm,” which many believe is evidence that he’s either posting from his phone, or while watching Mad Men, or possibly both. He’s also started at least two posts with “as an Italian-American,” an on-ramp that is both irrelevant to the matter at hand and factually incorrect, as Jim’s family is Irish.
“At one point he called for a boycott of Bebe, the clothing brand, presumably because he thought it was affiliated with Bibi Netanyahu?” Lee explained. “I wanted to get mad but honestly I was too confused to find it offensive.”
Fortunately for his network of friends, Smith has shifted his focus from Middle Eastern politics to a new – though arguably more dangerous – topic.
“Is that… Oh god… He’s gone too far this time,” Tristan Brown whispered, scrolling frantically through Smith newly resurrected profile with a look of horror on his face.
“Pre-RIP to a real one, Jim, but I can’t be associated with this kind of hateful ideology. He’s going to get himself killed for saying that about Taylor Swift.”