ROMANIA — Former kickboxer and famously small-penised man, Andrew Tate, somehow managed to take the time out of his busy schedule of trolling teenage girls on the internet to fuck himself, despite, as previously noted, his laughably tiny member.
Tate, who was arrested by Romanian police yesterday on alleged sex trafficking charges after the police recognized a pizza box in his Twitter clap back video to teenage climate activist Greta Thunberg, a sentence that we at The Beaverton never wanted to have to write, astounded the world with his incredible ability to fuck himself over all by himself, like a big muscly boy with a wee lil’ weiner.
“I still can’t believe he did it,” exclaimed Twitter user AlphaTateLover_312522764. “How could my teeny-wanged hero have done this to himself? Could it be that the cigars, the Bugattis, and the women were all just a distraction from just how adorably petite his trouser cobra is?”
The internet bot paused. “No. No, it’s the teen girls who are the reason he was arrested.”
According to sources, Tate is not only facing trafficking, organized crime, and rape charges, but also stands accused of having a dong so small it is legally considered counterfeit in several countries.
“We’re actually in the process of investigating whether or not Tate is even allowed to claim that he has any sort of dangly sex appendage whatsoever,” stated the Romanian arresting officer. “But either way, the manner in which he’s managed to utterly bone himself with almost negative manhood is impressive.”
“I’d give him a medal, but that belongs to Greta Thunberg. I dunno if she needs it though, her mantel’s probably already full with a box full of Tate’s equally minuscule balls.”
At press time, Tate was attempting to make a video from prison about how the incriminating pizza box was a beta who had never touched a boob.
