YORKTON, SK — Jordan Russell was surprised, upon visiting his girlfriend Sara Geisbrecht’s family over the holidays, to discover that they consider it extremely gauche to fuck the family whale.
“Even family members don’t fuck Danny,” said matriarch Paula, referring to the humpback kept in their Olympic-size pool. “We appreciate it when guests bring a bottle of wine, or offer to help clean up after a meal, but we’d really rather they didn’t fuck our whale.”
“I grew up in the Maritimes,” Russell said, “and things are a little different there. People say hello to strangers. You thank the driver when you get off the bus. And if you’re spending the night at someone’s house, it’s extremely rude if you don’t bring their whale to orgasm.”
“It’s a common mistake,” opined etiquette expert Johanna Barnes. “Expectations for houseguests are far from universal. In some parts of the country, it’s polite to use a euphemism when excusing yourself to go to the bathroom, whereas some people were raised to simply stand up, go to the pool and engage in some cetacean rumpy pumpy.”
When asked for his thoughts on the matter, Danny the adult Humpback said “RrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrooooooooOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooofffffffffff.” According to marine biologist Dr. Jennifer Crouch of the University of Victoria, this translates to “fish,” or possibly “fish, yum.”
While Russell hopes he hasn’t left a bad impression on his girlfriend’s family, he looks forward to the day the pair can have her parents over for the holidays. “It’ll be great when they find out firsthand how much it makes a person feel at home to fuck your host’s whale. Or at least give it a rim job.”
