EDMONTON – Premier Danielle Smith has held a press conference apologising for the inefficiency of her recent apologies.
“I apologised for parroting pro-Putin talking points about Ukraine, and I kind of half-assedly apologised for calling the unvaccinated the most discriminated against people of my lifetime,” Smith said. “Now I would like to apologise for wasting two news cycles on my horrible opinions when I could have wrapped this all up in one.”
Smith said that while she once believed Tucker Carlson’s baseless claims that Ukraine had invited Russian aggression by hosting secret American biolabs, she now recognises that her comments were hurtful to her chances of winning the 2023 election, and maybe also some Albertans.
“I sincerely apologise for not covering up my posts on a fringe social media network for conspiracy theorists. Oh, and have I apologised for questioning the legitimacy of residential school grave discoveries, and for suggesting that vaccines are ineffective? Might as well knock that out while I’m up here. Sorry, my bad, I’ve totally changed my mind on all that.”
Smith then walked off the stage before returning and saying, “Before I forget, remember when I said that moderate smoking is good for your health? Sorry about that one too, but you can trust me when I say I’ve changed my entire worldview now that I’m in charge of the province.”
The Premier went on to apologise for toying with a constitutional crisis to score cheap political points, suggesting that only cryptocurrency can save Albertans from a supposed plot to replace the Canadian dollar with a heavily surveilled international currency, questioning the scientific consensus around cancer treatment, and hosting a truly terrible radio show.
“…and that is why I shouldn’t have told my Grade One teacher that sharing was one of Brezhnev’s nonsense commie ideas,” Smith said, four hours later. “Finally, I would like to apologise to UCP supporters for what I have done to our polls.”
At press time, the UCP members Smith defeated in the party’s leadership race were apologising for not doing even the slightest bit of research into her during the campaign.