NEW YORK CITY – Smiling widely, NHL Commissioner Gary Bettman showed reporters where the victory parade would be for his annual celebration of denying Canadian teams a Stanley Cup once again.
“We’re going to start at Times Square riding in a big bus with the words ‘Fuck You Canuck Motherfuckers’ painted on the side,” said Bettman as he lit a victory cigar. “Then we’ll head uptown while we blast Party In The USA.”
“Also I’m going to put an American flag sticker on the Cup and hold it above my head as we go.”
Since the Habs won the Cup in his first year as commissioner Bettman has made it his mission to ensure that no Canadian team triumphs ever again. To that end he has moved teams out of Canada, made sure the refs are as biased as possible, and refused to allow the Leafs to bring in exorcists to try to get rid of the curse that plagues them every single postseason.
“The key is you have to let a Canadian team get kinda close every once in a while. That way the game doesn’t feel too rigged you know? Like how when you play Ring Toss at the Circus and sometimes it looks like one of the rings is gonna stay on before it wobbles and falls off. It’s like that but with giving franchises to cities with great weather and no state income tax.”
Bettman hasn’t invited anyone to join the parade with him as he plans to celebrate his accomplishment alone. Also he has no friends.
