OTTAWA – Across the nation, women are reacting to today’s horrifying news that the U.S. Supreme Court has struck down Roe v. Wade with compassion for their American counterparts, but are taking comfort in knowing that this could never happen here.
“It’s nauseating,” Kelsey Grum of Thunder Bay told reporters. “But I’m reassured when I remind myself that the only people who have a bizarre, pathetic need to keep women from being safe, equal and free are solely able to live in the mainland US, Hawaii or Alaska.”
Indeed, as many observers have pointed out, hatred of women who fail to conform to gendered expectations of subservience is a force that has stunted, ended, and added deep and pointless suffering to millions of lives, in America, and nowhere else.
“It’s so sad to see that cynical politicians have found a way to weaponize this hatred and trade the dignity and safety of women and pregnant people for votes that will allow them to advance their ruthless corporate interests. Sure, some of them are doing it for the money, and some of them really don’t think women are people. But some are just doing it because it makes them feel like winners. We really are that meaningless to them. Fortunately, no politicians like have ever or will ever exist up here in Canada.”
“It’s obviously impossible. Something to do with latitude and longitude, I think.”
Canadian women also reported feelings of relief that the terrifying groundswell of unhinged antifeminist rage that has finally crested in a ruling that will destroy countless lives would unquestionably not be able to find any support north of the border.
“Yes, sadly there are people with a super weird investment in all women being mothers because they project their own deep-seated feelings of unlovedness onto someone else’s pregnancy. And maybe they’d benefit from getting some therapy and calling their own goddamn mom for a change?” Vancouver woman Karen Denl stated through clenched teeth in a press conference earlier today. “Fortunately, nobody does that outside of the unique sociological conditions in the United States. It’s something to do with the climate. Or their money being green? Who knows.” Denl then jovially slapped the podium so hard it broke.
Staring out the window watching her 6-year-old ride a bike, Lauren Blin of Winnipeg somberly reassured reporters that sure, sometimes woman-hating pigs who can only feel powerful by telling themselves “hey, at least I’m better than a girl” exist, but they live in America, not Canada.
“America is where women are paid less, excluded from positions of power in government and commerce, failed by the legal system, targeted for violence, and live with knowing that their lives are simply not going to be considered as important as their male counterparts.”
“But again, I can’t emphasize this enough, this does not happen anywhere but the States. I rest easy knowing that,” she added, taking a deep breath, putting on a smile, and going off to get on with her day.