OTTAWA – Momentum for the ‘replace O’Toole’ movement that began on election night appears to have petered out after Conservative Party members took a quick glance at any of the candidates who might replace him.
“I was all for getting rid of O’Toole on account of the fact that he flip-flopped on guns and somehow did worse than Scheer in the GTA,” said Tory member Ryan Wolk. “And then I spent five minutes thinking about who would replace him and thought, I hope Erin stays on as leader for life.”
“Sure he isn’t great but at least he isn’t a U.S. resident, Doug Ford, or a guy who is somehow even less likeable than Doug Ford.”
Conservatives on social media have been quick to express their displeasure with O’Toole, followed immediately by a “but please stay” disclaimer after considering the alternatives.
“You can’t run to the right in the leadership and then pretend you’re a centrist in the general! But also you’re not Jason Kenney so love you!” tweeted one user.
Other potential leadership options currently terrifying Conservatives into supporting O’Toole include Candice Bergen, the ghost of Stephen Harper and that anti-vaxxer with the bleach blond hair and insane teeth.
When questioned why they wouldn’t just ditch O’Toole for some of their popular, genuinely moderate figures with crossover appeal like Rona Ambrose or Michael Chong, party members laughed and laughed and laughed.
“We’re the Conservative Party. We don’t choose leaders voters want to vote for. We only have leaders voters are willing to hold their nose for while voting against someone else.”