OTTAWA – Canadian right-wingers have announced a brief break from the usual “we cannot live in fear” rhetoric for their new slogan “COVID is very scary and so an election is super dangerous.”
“We can’t live in fear,” began a tweet by conservative MP Pierre Poilievre. “We have got to open up this country, by which I mean closing all the doors and windows and making sure there will be no vote. As we Conservatives have always said, public safety is much more important than corporate profits, especially oil profits.”
Conservative leader Erin O’Toole was quick to support his MP’s old and new statements, which he said was “made easier” because no one can remember anything he says.
Many conservative politicians have appeared in public with hastily thrown on masks and t-shirts saying “stop vaccines I love vaccines.” Conservative Premiers have also outlined strict COVID guidelines for the next 5 weeks until the election ends which include: lockdowns for majority liberal areas, mandatory curfews during polling booth hours, and CERB payments for people who refuse to vote for the Liberals.
“The liberal government would have you forfeit your right to live because of COVID,” explains Eric Martin, a conservative voter and Oakville resident. “Which, in light of the election happening, I now think is definitely true. We can live in fear and should.”
Anti-vaxxer protests, which have become common in Toronto, have now instead begun marching against large gatherings of people. “We’re all here to make sure people know they shouldn’t gather in large mobs,” said Michelle Laird, an anti-vaxx protester who owns a megaphone and was therefore promoted to leader. “COVID is a super serious thing, and so we must make sure people do not leave their homes for any reason including for dumb protests like this one!”
In related news, Justin Trudeau has reversed his COVID policies, stating, “there’s nothing to be afraid of and if you’re not willing to vote in person in large groups you’re a Bill Gates-backed globalist fascist.”