OTTAWA, ONT – The Catholic church is reportedly one broken commandment away from getting a full card bingo.
“It’s a real nail-biter,” began Father Owen Karmichael, after flashing his almost complete bingo card. “This whole thing started off as a fun activity. You know, to pass the time during tax season when everyone else is filing and we’re just here like ‘lol?’ But we weren’t expecting the bingo game to end so quickly!”
According to Father Karmichael, the rules are simple: the ten commandments are placed on a bingo card and everytime the Catholic church breaks one of the ethical principles outlined in the commandments, the very ones they preach parishioners to follow, they stamp it out on the bingo card.
“To be fair, the middle square was a free space – Thou shalt not steal. I mean, remember when we started telling people that if you don’t donate money to the church, your soul will rot in hell for all eternity? What a riot!”
“It’s thrilling!” squealed Sister Louise Duncan, who now has a complete row after the recent discovery of mass graves at church-led residential schools. “I’m just so proud to represent an establishment that doesn’t practice what it preaches and also continuously weaponizes faith in order to justify human rights violations. Besides, these commandments are open to interpretation. Like, thou shalt not kill? There is definitely a grey area there. It’s not like these commandments are written in stone or anything.”
Sister Duncan then went on to reveal that the commandment she’s most excited to cross out is ‘thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s goods’: “This one will be challenging because the Catholic Church have been hoarding wealth for centuries and so there is no real reason to covet thy neighbour’s goods because we already have all the goods, you know?”
In an interview with Cardinal Francessco Samuels, the Archdiocese of Toronto, difficulty allegedly arises when there are too many examples of the Catholic Church breaking a commandment, and as a result the bingo square gets too soggy from all the stamp ink.
“Take: love thy neighbour as thyself,” explained Cardinal Samuels. “Pffft! We haven’t been doing that for centuries! We like to say we believe all humans are made in the image of God and deserve to be treated equally but like, two words: conversion therapy. Child’s play!”
“Speaking of child’s play, ‘thou shalt not commit adultery’ was one of the first to go, followed by the the one about lying since we’ve been trying to cover that mess up since before Spotlight came out…”
At press time, the Catholic Church has reportedly called BINGO and instead of losing public funding or tax exemptions, they’ve been awarded $10 gift cards to Olive Garden.