TORONTO – After successfully mining hate clicks with editorials suggesting we privatize all parks and that ending our glorification of John A. Macdonald amounts to cancelling all history, the National Post is going a step further by suggesting we replace all our parks with “big ass” statues of our first Prime Minister.
“Everyone got so mad at my editorial calling for all parks to be privatized that they rushed to read it on the site and I got a big bonus!,” said columnist Jesse Kline. “So I thought: why not take it a step further by mashing two unpopular ideas together, that way I can keep this hatred/money train rolling.”
“So yeah, all parks should just be big statues to that drunk guy who killed a lot of people. The splash pad can be his belly, the swings his legs and the tennis courts, that’s his butt baby!”
Other National Post columnists with other ideas, including making each park just one part of John A. Macdonald’s body so when you look down on Toronto from a plane you see him staring up at you, and giving the statue a walking stick that moves in order to clear out any unhoused people trying to take shelter below the legs.
“I think paving all parks may be a step too far,” said one anonymous National Post reporter. “Let’s just rename them all after [Residential School Designer] Egerton Ryerson and be done with it.”
At press time Postmedia’s CEO was delighted to report that, if they can keep this rate of hate-clicks up, they may be able to stave off their inevitable bankruptcy for another couple months.