HALIFAX – Experts are puzzled after scientists proposed a 2 week emergency lockdown, only to have Nova Scotian premier Rankin actually institute it, rather than ignoring them, lying to them, or just making shit up.
With 94 new cases reported in the province today, medical experts were shocked when the Nova Scotian government instituted all the precautions they called for, “without even being huge assholes about it.”
“It’s an absolute mystery! Across the entire country, I haven’t ever seen a pandemic response like this,” explained epidemiology expert Dr. Franklin Werthers, of Toronto. “The experts made suggestions to them, and they took all of them, without even trashing the experts to the media.”
“It’s almost as if Nova Scotians and their government actually want to save as many lives as possible. But that’s like something out of a Hallmark movie, not the real world,” explained Dr. Werthers, a desperately wistful tear forming at the corner of his eye.
“For God’s sakes, their list of ‘essential businesses’ is actually essential. Madness!” Werthers added.
Meanwhile in Quebec, medical experts expressed wonderment at the reactions of Nova Scotian citizens to the news.
“They citizens are actually listening and abiding by the rules,” exclaimed public policy expert Dr. Jeanette Francois. “Where are the riots? Where are the fires? Where are the stupid protests where people angry about masks put on those silly white masks and shuffle around like zombies?”
“Is there something in the water out East,” suggested Dr. Francois, before tossing another report full of public health recommendations into the trash bin labelled ‘Doug Ford’s inbox’.
Reached for comment, Nova Scotian citizens seemed to take the news in stride. “I don’t know what’s so friggin’ hard about following the rules for a globally contagious disease caused by severe acute respiratory syndrome coronavirus 2,” said Lawrence MacDonnell, of Antigonish.
“I gots my Netflix. I gots my donair place on speed dial. Two weeks’ll be right easy,” explained Nova Scotian premier Iain Rankin.
In a related story, scientific experts were entirely unsurprised to see Ontario’s government let their entire pandemic response be written by property development lobbyists and homeschooled MPPs.