YOUR TOWN, CANADA – Today, your boss, who is best known for making racist jokes and getting the names of your Black colleagues confused, will be holding a session on diversity and inclusion.
“HR has been nagging us to hire some specialists to lead this,” noted your boss as he introduced the session. “But I’m more than happy to take time out of my day and show you all how if you work hard and keep your heads down, you can all rise through the ranks just like I did,” said the man who inherited the company from his father.
When asked about accusations that his company systematically blocks BIPOC employees from promotions, your boss affirmed, “Look, diversity is not an issue at our office. We have execs who have blond hair and execs who have red hair. But we find ways to see past our superficial differences and find commonalities – like how we all store our money in the same Panamanian tax shelter.”
The session will entail complimenting model minorities, gaslighting experiences of discrimination, and drawing false equivalences between racialized traumas and that time your boss was sad because the neighbourhood association made him take down his Confederate flags.
“My employees are my friends, and this session will help me connect with my friends of colour,” said your boss who has no friends of colour. “Since I am such a great friend, I’m going to take an even more active role in blocking our employees with darker complexions from promotions to roles where they could experience discrimination.”
At press time, your boss had hired a local Proud Boys chapter to give a talk about self-esteem in the workplace.