QUEEN’S PARK – With Ontario sitting on $6.4 billion in unallocated pandemic-relief funds, more than any other province, Premier Doug Ford assured Ontarians that using those funds to balance the budget and ensure his re-election is what the dead would have wanted.
“Folks, let me tell ya, all those people dying in long term care homes definitely wouldn’t have wanted that COVID money spent on wasteful things like ‘preventing people from dying of COVID’,” Ford told reporters at his daily press briefing.
“Those Ontarians, the real Ontarians, they would’ve wanted me to let that $6.4 billion sit untouched until the pandemic is well over, and then use it to balance the 2021 budget…” Ford paused, tearing up with emotion, “Just in time for the 2022 provincial election.”
Reached for comment, the over 19,000 Ontarians who have already died from the COVID-19 virus proved unable to weigh in on Ford’s claim due to no longer being alive.
“But you don’t hear them complaining, either,” Ford added. “Trust me on this. I’m for the people, and the people are for me. Even the ones who aren’t breathing anymore.”
While critics are quick to point out that $6.4 billion could be used to improve COVID safety in schools, institute paid sick leave, or retrofit seniors facilities, the Ford Government has taken a hard line in response.
“You heard the premier, all of the elderly people who’ve died wanted him to use this COVID money on the budget instead,” explained minister of finance Peter Bethlenfalvy. “So are you saying you actually want to go against the dying wishes of nearly 20 thousand COVID
victims? They’re dead! Of COVID!”
In addition to withholding the $6.4 billion in pandemic-relief funds, Ford insisted that dead Ontarians final wishes also included: making it impossible for their families to sue the long term care homes that killed them; allowing big box retail stores to stay completely open; and building a bronze statue of Doug Ford in the middle of Queen’s Park.
“This one fella in a rest home up in Sudbury, he just told me ‘You keep on trucking Dougie, and use that federal funding to make the books look more in order’.” Ford explained. “At least I think that’s what he said. He was intubated and barely conscious but you could tell that’s what he meant.”
Ford then concluded the press conference by adding that the dying Ontarians told him Prime Minister Justin Trudeau has “a very small weiner” and “smells like an elephant’s butt”.