TORONTO – In a survey of the nation’s major banks, a new report published today states that ordering cheques from your bank can cost anywhere from “Wait, how fucking much?” to “Jesus, you gotta be fucking kidding me!”
The report by the National Finance Advisory Panel says that previously ubiquitous paper cheques, which used to cost a mere, “Sure, whatever that’s fine,” have fallen out of fashion. As low or no-fee computerized money transfer options have gained popularity, this has caused banks to increase a single book of cheques to a now staggering, “Get the fuck outta here!” or in some cases, even, “That’s fucking bullshit!”
“We wanted to track the costs of issuing paper cheques,” said lead author Arthur McDaniels CPA, who surveyed the major banks on a scale of “I can live with that” to “I hate you and I want you die, you usurous scum!” “We predict this increase will affect the nation’s grandmas who send you a $5.00 cheque on your birthday, to people to pay rent, to the nation’s grandmas who like to talk to grocery store clerks,” he added.
“My landlord only accepts cheques,” said Marla O’Shay, 25, adding that every month she hand over her rent feel like highway Goddamn robbery. “Each time I hear the rip of a cheque out of that book, I die a little inside, even though I’m already dead thanks to these crazy overpriced rents!”
At press time, the authors of the report say you can avoid paying for cheques if you tell all the banks “Go fuck themselves,” and just keep your money under your mattress like man was meant to.
