WASHINGTON DC – Despite having almost two-years to get it done, a highly caffeinated Special Counsel Robert Mueller was seen furiously typing away at his computer, after only just getting started on his report this afternoon.
“Fuck, fuck, fuck,” the former head of the FBI was heard muttering at his computer by sources close to the situation, noting he only said this after he glanced at his watch and clicked off a browser screen in the middle of BuzzFeed listicle. “No, gotta focus! Shit, shit, shit! Oh God, I’m going to be here all night.”
“Oh shit, fuck! Okay, let’s see, okay. Uh, Webster’s dictionary defines collusion as… No! Fuck!” he added while smashing the delete key.
The veteran investigator and former prosecutor was later seen checking his word count multiple times, seeing how many pages he had if he changed the font to size 14, double-spaced, and then texting his friend that he’s gotta cram for a paper due soon and has to miss the kegger.
Sources say Mueller has been locked in his office for hours, only emerging for a fresh pot of coffee or to use the bathroom, all the time cursing about how stupid he is for putting this off until the last minute, but reassuring himself that he works best when he’s under a tight deadline, just like that solid B- he scored in English lit finals in senior year, which if he’d turned it in on time, would have been a B+.
“Oh God, I hope I don’t get docked 10% for this,” said Mueller, adding that if he hurries, he can probably make it to the library computer to print it off because his stupid fucking printer is out of ink and he forgot to ask his Dad if he could take some HP cartridges from his office when he was home last weekend to do laundry. “And with any luck, I’ll just sneak this under the door of Professor Barr’s office before 5pm and no one will be the wiser!”
At press time, Special Counsel Robert Mueller was just going to rest his eyes for a moment while his coffee maker is going.